Yes, I know, I haven’t updated this blog in ages, and I’m seriously sorry to the twelve people who will read this and other post below so here is something else to read. Anyway, the meat of this blog post is being typed out in Word on the school computers because Blogger is banned at school. Yes chaps, the fun-sucking school is at it again! First of all they ban Facebook, Twatter and the BATracer forum. And now they ban Blogger. Bastards.
Right, enough of the “I’m so sorry” bibble-babble that appears to be common in blogs from lazy bloggers such as myself. Today’s rant is about those electric signs on the Motorway that give you how long it will take to get to junction 12 of the M5. While you are on the M8 in Scotland. Why? Why does the person with the laptop in charge of these signs choose to write this out? He can write whatever he wants, and yet the chap decides to write how long it will take to get to junction twelve on the M5.
Sometimes though, there are worse messages when matey is off sick and Mr Health and Safety comes on the Laptop to tell us that we must stay within a sensible distance to the car in front. Yes, we all know this you halfwit. Once I even saw a message saying “When you breathe in, remember to breathe out afterwards.” And the worst thing is that I’m not joking. I would love to say that I’m joking. Are we, as a nation so intellectually challenged that while we are driving two tonnes of metal at 70mph that we need to reminded how to breathe? Apparently so.
So, what can be done then? As we are now a nation of dimwits who will follow any advice given to them by a bloke in a hi-vis jacket in London then it appears the answer to that is ‘Sod all.’ Well, until the Minster for Common Sense, IE; Yours Truly has come along to save the day. Below is my plan; if any chaps with the Laptops are reading this which I very much doubt, send all payments to me please.
My grand idea is this: We, as a nation, love a good old laugh right? And with all of this rubbish about ‘Global Warming’ (Another post will cover my opinion on this in the near-future.) and the ‘credit crunch’ we haven’t had much chance to laugh. So, chaps, sack Mr Heath and Safety as his ‘helpful’ things are anything but and sack the chap who tells us how long it takes to get somewhere where we don’t want to go. Instead, replace them with someone funny – such as myself or Jimmy Carr or someone else suitably funny – that way, people will slow down to read these things and Health and Safety will like this as then we go everywhere slower because we are humoured by the suitably funny sign. The eco-idiots will like it as everyone will be driving slower and won’t be using as much fuel as normal, and thus is helping save the environment. And of course you will like it because there will be somebody at the end of the magic Laptop with a proper sense of humour. Finally the comedians will like it as they will get a job because the credit crunch would have wiped out all of their chances of ticket sales because the public doesn’t have any money to waste on watching a funny chap make a tit of himself.
I’m honesty struggling to think of anyone who would object to my system being put in place. Except the chap at the end of the Laptop right now. But who gives a stuff about him? Precisely. My next blog post will be written when I have time; until then, don’t drink and drive.
-Dan.
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